The first one is going bald, but I can’t seem to recall the other four.
MEANWHILE, IN THE world our leaders inhabit, people are wondering how different things might have been if CIA director and former four-star general David Petraeus hadn’t mistaken a topical underarm testosterone applicator for his deodorant stick.
Most of us wouldn’t fall into the trap he did. I mean, how likely is it that the person writing our biographies will be a hero-worshipping fitness fanatic and West Point graduate who wants to be the president’s national security advisor someday, but probably is unqualified because she gets jealous of someone she thinks is the other other woman?
On second thought, very few of us are likely to have anyone writing accounts of our life stories that will be published anywhere but the back page of the newspaper.
There, they will include such accomplishments as, “Fred Pecksniff’s hobbies included building the largest collection of toothpicks and unpaid parking tickets in the history of the state. His survivors unanimously declined to be identified.”
Or, for another example, “Mabel Windsock is survived by several dozen cats, seven dogs, an indeterminate number of indoor farm animals and the cast and crew of the TV show ‘Hoarders.’ Her closest friend, a local animal control officer, mourned Windsock’s passing, calling her ‘The one person who gave my life’s work its meaning and purpose.’ ”
Getting back to today’s installment of “Terry and the Pilates,” another general has been roped in for his thousands of questionable emails to the other other woman. He is Marine Corps Gen. John Allen, due shortly to be installed as Supreme Allied Commander in Europe (but his tour as SACEUR is, guess what, on hold).
And all of this is dominating the news just so the major media don’t have to talk about what was really going on in Benghazi, which may, according to the Petraeus Paramour, involve illegally detaining foreign nationals in a U.S. facility for interrogation. Or maybe they were there for an ice-cream social, who knows?
IN POLITICAL NEWS, it was reported that in 59 precincts in the city of Philadelphia, President Obama received 100 percent of the vote, and in a few cases his total exceeded 100 percent of the voters.
And in Ohio, there were reported to be 100 such unanimous-voting districts.
Boy, you just can’t buy loyalty like that. Oh, wait a minute …
Anyway, it had been noted earlier on Election Day that Democratic poll watchers in the City of Brotherly Love had expelled Republican poll watchers from a number of voting locations.
When asked why, Democratic Party precinct officials said that they were concerned that their close personal friends in the GOP might become “bored with nothing to do all day.” Thus, the Democrats said, they had to act because they were worried about the Republicans’ mental and physical welfare.
Verifying that concern, GOP officials said that Democratic monitors had indeed repeatedly counseled them that, “If we wanted to stay healthy, we should get out immediately and never come back.”
It’s good to see that, despite party differences, Americans can still come together when it counts.
SPEAKING OF HELPING each other in times of trouble, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has awarded itself its highly prized “Hurricane Katrina Hall of Fame Medal with Superdome Cluster” for its actions after Superstorm Sandy created havoc along the coasts of New York and New Jersey.
In truth, “cluster” was the word on the lips of tens of thousands of storm survivors when they described the relief efforts their state and federal officials put forth on their behalf after the storm.
Usually reticent New Yorkers, typically known for not wanting to share their opinions with others, spoke out strongly about their feelings; those standing or parked in miles-long gas lines or shivering in the dark in 20-story buildings without working elevators were among the most outspoken.
It was reported on Monday that there are people still shivering in the dark who had not yet seen any relief worker.
Survivors’ tributes and accolades were especially appreciated by New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. He was shown on TV telling one reporter, who asked him what he was going to do after he had received an especially touching series of four-letter personal tributes from his starving and freezing constituents on Staten Island, to “take it up with the press guy.”
Boy, it’s fortunate we have people in elected office who express such sympathy and concern. Who knows what would happen to us unless people like this were around to take care of our every need?
WE CAN ALSO rest easy noting that our representatives in Washington, from the president on down, are watching out for us as they seek to find solutions to the oncoming “fiscal cliff,” in which taxes are set to rise by $500 billion and a so-called “sequester” law begins to take effect that would eviscerate national defense.
As the saying goes, taxpayers are following the deliberations with all the confidence of “a sheep watching a pack of wolves vote on what’s for dinner,” but they needn’t worry. They have been promised that as long as “the rich” pay “their fair share,” things will be resolved painlessly for everyone else.
It’s good to know that our most serious fiscal problems can be so easily solved. We voted for easy answers, and, by golly, we’re getting them.
We’re relieved to be told that every society could spend all it wanted as long as its most productive members paid the bills and let everyone else benefit from their forced largesse.
No business owners would ever lay anyone off to be able to afford higher taxes, would they? And no entrepreneurs would even consider moving their companies to places where tax rates were lower and labor was more affordable. They’d be nuts to do that, wouldn’t they?
Don’t look at me like that. Sure, there may have been plenty of stories about pending layoffs and salary cuts spurred by Obamacare, which can only get worse if other taxes are raised. Such things may worry businesses from Walmart to Applebee’s to Papa John’s Pizza, but I have the real truth on very good authority.
A guy named John Galt assured me things are proceeding just the way it was foreseen. And then he left town.
No, I’m sorry, I don’t know where he went. But I’m certain he will be right back.
After all, he personifies the productive elements of our society. What would happen to us without him?
M.D. Harmon, a retired journalist and military officer, is a free-lance writer and speaker. He can be contacted at:firstname.lastname@example.org.