Trump’s Domestic Policy Council Issues Scathing Rebuke of Paper Straw Poppycock in 31-Page Manifesto

President Donald J. Trump has issued a 31-page manifesto, “National Strategy to End the Use of Paper Straws,” aiming to save Americans from the “pulpy, soggy mess” of eco-friendly straws.

Prepared in March 2025 by the Domestic Policy Council and released Friday, the report is as much a critique of paper straws as it is a policy statement against what Trump calls the “Green New Scam.” With characteristic style, Trump pledges to bring “common sense” back to beverages with plastic straws.

While the document takes a lighthearted poke at misguided policies banning plastic straws based on flimsy science, the comic polemic signals that the president’s Domestic Policy Council is preparing to wage war against even minor disruptions to Americans’ lives that have come from the overbearing “Nanny State” mentality of the previous administration.

The report begins with a letter from the man himself, fresh off what he calls a “historic” election win on November 5, 2024.

“When I won the presidential election by historic margins, it was a resounding victory not just for secure borders and a strong economy … but for common sense,” Trump said. “Paper straws are a laughable supposition,” he said, skewering them as “bad for the environment, unhygienic, expensive, [and containing] dangerous forever chemicals.”

“This is not rocket science—water and other drinks dissolve paper, rendering these straws useless for their sole purpose,” he said.

The report’s executive summary doubles down with a playful jab at the sipping status quo.

“When American citizens visit a coffee shop or restaurant, they deserve effective and safe utensils,” the Domestic Policy Council’s diatribe states. “Too often, they have not had that option because of absurd government mandates to use paper straws.”

The report lists a litany of woes—paper straws lack “structural integrity,” pose “choking hazards” to kids, and saddle consumers with a 400 percent price hike over plastic. Plus, they’re laced with PFAS, those pesky “forever chemicals” linked to everything from cancer to obesity to shrinking male perineums. “Consumers deserve better choices and better products,” the report states, promising Trump’s team will “adopt a government-wide approach” to banish the paper menace.

At the core of the rhetorical missile is a thorough debunking of the ludicrous claim upon which so many municipal, state, and corporate straw policies have been based. That is, the “oft-repeated claim” that Americans use 500 million plastic straws daily, calling it “completely made up” by a 9-year-old who did “cursory ‘research’” via phone calls and “back-of-the-napkin math.”

“Much like the 500 million statistic, the policy rationale underlying plastic straw bans is completely unscientific,” the report states.

The council also notes that plastic straws, despite receiving so much attention from liberal do-gooders, make up a rounding error of the total plastic waste entering the waste streams and environment.

“Plastic straws make up a mere .025% of all plastic in oceans,” the report states, calculating that a nationwide ban would cut global ocean plastic by a measly “.0000625%—an infinitesimal change.”

“Banning plastic straws has greatly inconvenienced consumers, for approximately zero environmental impact,” the report states.

After making the case against plastic straw bans, the council’s declaration unleashes Executive Order 14208, which declares it “the policy of the United States to end the use of paper straws.”

The Domestic Policy Council’s letter wraps it with a flourish.

“The end of paper straws is yet another victory in this campaign” against “the ridiculous,” the report states.

“The science is clear: banning plastic straws imposes real costs on the American people in exchange for no meaningful benefits,” it states.

Here’s the full report: