Now that Mrs Clinton has openly disclosed her intention to run as a Democrat, it is appropriate to establish a few rules for keeping coverage of her candidacy civil and steering the discussion away from irrelevancies.
One: The Bill, Hillary & Chelsea Clinton Foundation is an unselfish philanthropic concern devoted to defending women world-wide and serving as a vital hub for economic and cultural exchange.
Two: Contrary to earlier State Department criticisms, Morocco, Colombia, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, and Oman are all woman-friendly vital hubs for economic and cultural change, as well as havens of civil righteousness. Their contributions to the Bill, Hillary & Chelsea Clinton Foundation show that this is so.
Three: The Foundation did not accept money from these nations while Hillary was Secretary of State but only after she resigned. They sent millions as a token of their continued respect. What other reasons could they have had?
Four: The Clinton Donations Doctrine (“You gives; you gets”) is far from her only accomplishment as Secretary of State. She visited 112 countries and talked to a lot of foreign people, some of them from Iowa.
Five: No piece of obnoxious or damaging legislation bears Hillary’s name although she served as US senator from New York from 2001 to 2009. She built a flawless libertarian record, introducing no legislation whatsoever.
Six: She was never indicted for anything. There was not a shred of evidence.
Seven: As secretary of state she originated the novel idea of presenting the Russian Foreign Minister with a little red “re-set” button. Sergey Viktorovich thought this was cute and smiled in a friendly way.
Eight: Although some believe Obama accused her of voting for the Iraq War in the 2008 presidential primaries, he doesn’t remember saying anything like that. She doesn’t remember doing anything like that. Her supporters don’t remember anything like that ever happening and her Democratic Party critics will forget everything if she wins the primary. So why should we even discuss it?
Nine: She helped restore America’s reputation in the wake of wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Yes she did. Really. It’s true. It’s clear. It’s obvious. We know this.
Ten: It’s not disputed that Hillary turned $12,000 worth of stock into $100,000 almost overnight. This is evidence of her dazzling financial acumen. If she did not reveal this until Bill’s second term as Governor of Arkansas, this only shows her deep modesty.
Eleven: She knows how to negotiate a deal. You wanted to hear one of her speeches you had to pay a minimum of $300,000, provide a private jet, put her up in a presidential suite, snap 50 photos and keep the audience to $3,000 per head floor (i.e., no more than 100 listeners). Nothing less than a $39 million Gulfstream G450 will do. Twenty of those photos must show her laughing strenuously, mouth agape; fifteen smiling, and fifteen listening with attentive gravity. Ninety minutes is her limit and she will not be held responsible for saying anything interesting, novel, or memorable. The audience must remain awake and alert throughout.
Twelve: Hillary deserves credit for working her way up from utter poverty to Chappaqua luxury, Gulfstream jets and presidential suites. She was dead broke when she left the White House, and you can’t get any broker than that. Even Paul LePage wasn’t any broker than that when he was eleven years old on the streets of Lewiston.
Thirteen: Even assuming Monica Lewinsky, Juanita Broaddrick, Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, and Kathleen Willey exist at all, they are not proud feminists working to break the glass ceiling, but a mixed bag of trailer trash, sexual harassers, narcissistic loony-toons, and covert Republicans. There’s not a shred of evidence. Why are we even talking about them? It’s time to move on.
Fourteen: Benghazi is old news. What does it matter anyway? There’s not a shred of evidence. Trey Gowdy is a South Carolina Tea Partyer with a red neck. It’s time to move one.
Fifteen: Hillary has admitted that she probably made a mistake with her private e-mail account. So we don’t need to talk about that anymore.
Sixteen: There’s not a shred of evidence.
Seventeen: The New York Times story about Clinton Foundation/Russian uranium deal story is not supported by a shred of evidence.
Eighteen: The New York Times is part of a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.