Fatuous February


Word reaches us that Rep. Demosthenes Platterbaff (D-Twin Peaks) is preparing a bill to establish a ‘Dirigo Flag Amendment, Revision and Correction Commission” (DFARCC). Representative Platterbaff is troubled by his recent discovery that Maine’s state flag depicts two male figures and no women at all. He suggests, as an urgent stop gap, that the legislature immediately identify one of the two as a transgendered female. A half dozen House members, affiliated with the Maine Polygendered Alliance (MPA) adamantly oppose any and all provisional half-measures. Half of them propose a new flag incorporating two women, two transgendered whatevers, and two men. The ultra-faction insists that if men are shown all at least one should be shown assaulting a woman.

Representative Platterbaff explains that his bill was inspired by the heated debate in Minnesota about that state’s flag. The problem is that it shows a paleface engaged in peaceful agriculture below an Indian galloping along, spear-in hand, as if on the warpath. Since Minnesota has not yet committed to a politically corrected banner, the MPA enthusiasts hope there may still be time for Maine to take the lead the way in a nation-wide flag revision campaign. Readers interested in the Minnesota struggle can research the details at the following website.

On February 18, Hillary Clinton told Scott Pelley in a CBS News interview that she didn’t believe she had ever lied; that she did her very best to tell the truth; that she didn’t believe she ever would lie. Summing up she promised “I’m gonna do the best I can to level with the American people.” The full interview can be found here.

Pollsters are having a hard time sorting out the blizzard of variable reactions to this interview: 25% of respondents checked “Just one more whopper;” 12% checked “Four lies in one;” 12% defend the candidate on grounds that she had long since lost the ability to distinguish truth from falsehood; 6% believe she never knew the difference in the first place; 27% believe it’s time to elect a woman as president; 9% pointed out that female politicians have as much right to lie as male politicians; 9% couldn’t stop laughing long enough to answer.

The Supreme Court vacancy caused by Justice Scalia’s death has raised an issue best summed up in this statement before the United States Senate: [The president] “should not name a nominee until after the November election is completed. The Senate, too, Mr. President, must consider how it would respond to a Supreme Court vacancy that would occur in the full throes of an election year. It is my view that if the president goes the way of Presidents Fillmore and Johnson and presses an election year nomination, the Senate Judiciary Committee should seriously consider not scheduling confirmation hearings on the nomination until ever — until after the political campaign season is over.”

Vice President Joe Biden has denounced this 1992 statement by Senator Joe Biden, saying that he never said any such thing, but if he did people should ignore his words and pay attention to what he says, because what he said then (if he really said it) meant “I urged the Senate and White House to work together to ensure the Court functioned as our founders intended.” That was his position then and that his position now. People have a clear choice here: believe the English language or believe Joe Biden. Fans of “The Office” will recognize this as an exemplary “Michael Scott Evasion.”

The University of Maine at Beans Corner (UMBC), slashing and lacerating at the academic cutting edge once again, is introducing a new major in the Fall 2016 semester. Professor Roscoe Arbuckle, the Deputy Associate Dean of Diversity and Inclusion, will set the ball in motion with “An Introduction to Fat Studies.” The Beans Corner campus is just a little behind the State University of Oregon and Maryland University but it can boast of taking the lead in New England. Professor Arbuckle is not a newbie in the field, having sympathized with the University of New Hampshire’s People Opposing Weightism (POW!) organization as an undergrad.

Readers interested in this novel field may wish to take a look at the 2012 presentation, “Fat Studies: Teaching About Weightism as a Social Justice Issue” by Professor Patti Watkins at Oregon’s School of Psychological Sciences. It can be found here.

Colorless, Latino, heterosexual, male Mainers with generous contours (Hi!) can only rejoice at the prospect these developments offer for joining the ever growing ranks of our country’s victims. In twentieth-century America the winners are losers.


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