SNIFFLEGATE? The September 26 presidential debate stimulated intense, even violent, disputes about the meaning, or even existence, of a series of “sniffs” allegedly emitted from behind the podium adorned by Donald “The Donald” Trump. Some attendees insist that the Republican candidate sniffled 37 times. Other estimates run from six to 60. Dr. Howard “Howling Howie” Dean, MD speculated about cocaine addiction. The Donald denied sniffing at all; blamed the microphone; accused the mainstream media of systematic deception, and denied that he ever sniffled, not then, not ever; pointing out that “Sniffling is for losers.”
The most memorable line in the debate came from The Hillary: “Donald, she has a name. Her name is Alicia Machado. And she has become a U.S. citizen and you can bet she is going to vote this November.” No one doubts that the long-lingering wife of Bill Clinton would have been equally quick to stand up for Juanita Broaddrick, Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey, Eileen Wellstone, Sally Perdue, Elizabeth Gracen, Carolyn Moffet and Monica Lewinsky if they actually existed and had real names.
University of Maine at Beans Corner (UMBC) President, W. Wittering Bleatley, has agreed to a demand from the Social Sciences Department that faculty watching the presidential debates receive hardship pay. It’s well established that PTSD is endemic among feminists who have suffered from male interruptions and sarcasm. More-or-less ‘male’ faculty may self-identify as women for purposes of these pay increments.
The Political Sphere experienced mild tremors when Kim Kardashian announced that she contemplated switching her support from Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump. Speculation about her motive rippled through the ranks of those attentive to microscopic events in the Sphere. Shortly after, when an interview with Wonderland Magazine revealed her plans to attend law school, those tremors grew less mild. And when rumors began to fly that Roger Stoned, a famous political buccaneer, had been in contact with the callipygous Armenian, those tremors seemed to portend a political earthquake in 2020.
Political Prophets point out that Donald Trump, whatever else he may be, is a pathfinder for reality TV personalities with political potential. Kim’s law school ambitions seem to point to a “two-fer” strategy, combining the legalistic chops of The Hillary with the reality TV glitters of The Donald. The forward momentum in America’s political culture points to the possibility of a presidential campaign dominated by images and icons of a semi-naked bottom rather than a smiling face.
The nation’s habitual and incurable “political junkies” can hardly contain their excitement.
As “R-Day,” November 8, approaches America’s pollsters are beginning to manifest alarming signs of ATSD (Ante Traumatic Stress Disorder) as their readings bounce up and down in confusing sequences, and whole cohorts of voters seem unapproachable. Worse, they have no established procedures for evaluating, or even identifying, a new class. They aren’t sure it even exists. The profession has long-established criteria for identifying and evaluating “likely voters,” but begins to sense the emergence of two new categories; “unlikely voters” and “highly unlikely voters.” There are numerous reports “from the field” of people who have never voted for anyone demanding Trump signs for their lawns. Pollsters seem doomed to suffer ATSD until Ridiculous Day, when many may have to contend with PTSD.
A pollster’s lot is not a happy one in these troubled times.
On September 25, the University of Maine at Beans Corner (UMBC) officially redefined “sexual contact” as “sexual assault” and “unwanted sexual contact” as “rape.” The definition of “unwanted sexual contact” has been expanded to include unwelcome, or welcome, looks. Male undergraduates and faculty have been warned to maintain the rigid frontality of Egyptian Fourth Dynasty statuary while crossing campus on sunny days.
On September 26, an agent from the terrorist organization called Campus Reform showed up on the UMBC campus seeking student supporters of Hillary Clinton able to name one of her substantive achievements. The vicious provocateur was quickly identified and escorted from the campus by the campus police. They are now under orders to immediately taser campus reform agitators in the event of a repeat raid.
“…you can put half of Trump supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? Racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic, you name it.”
—Hillary Clinton being grossly generalistic.
“You basket case of incompetence, lies and incompetent lying; you burping Tupperware container of influence peddling, fee gouging and charity fraud; you rasping, coughing, plus-size pantsuit of prevarication; you muffin-top of mendacity; you boring bin of ding battery who sold a quarter of our uranium to Putin; you cringing, caving, can of cowardice who can’t even assert that “All Lives Matter”; you pathetic, insecure woman whose major claim to historic import is being born with female genitalia.”
—Susan “AmmoGrrl” Vass being eloquently precise.
“For the duration of my appointment as Secretary, if I am confirmed, I will not participate personally and substantially in any particular matter involving specific parties in which The William J. Clinton Foundation (or the Clinton Global Initiative) is a party or represents a party.”
—-Hillary’s pledge as Secretary of State.
“Always leave them laughing.”