Monarchs of May


“You must wake and call me early, call me early, mother dear;
To-morrow I’ll be the happiest time of all the glad New-year;
Of all the glad New-year, mother, the maddest merriest day;
For I’m to be Queen o’ the May, mother, or maybe King o’ the May.”

Maya Dillard Smith, interim director of the Georgia chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union, resigned on May 31 after she encountering three “transgender” young adults over six feet with deep voices. She claims her two elementary school age daughters “…were visibly frightened, concerned about their safety and left asking lots of questions for which I, like many parents, was ill-prepared to answer.”

She claims the incident persuaded her to resign because the ACLU has become “a special interest organization that promotes not all, but certain progressive rights” and that the “hierarchy of rights” the ACLU chooses to defend or ignore is “based on who is funding the organization’s lobbying activities.” See the full story here.

Cheryl Courtney-Evans, founder/CEO of Transgender Individuals Living Their Truth, Inc. (TILTT, Inc.), explained in a deep voice that Dillard Smith is “lazy,” “ill-educated” and a “b–ch” who needs to sit down and “STFU.” This seems to have settled the matter, although some may wonder if it’s a good idea to allow such a “b****h to raise two “girls.”

New York City’s Commission on Human Rights issued a “legal enforcement guidance” for New York City Human Rights Law that “requires employers and converted entities to use an individual’s preferred name, pronoun and title (e.g., Ms./Mrs.) regardless of the individual’s sex assigned at birth, anatomy, gender, medical history, appearance or the sex indicated on the individual’s identification.”

The guidance notes that some people prefer non-gender-binary pronouns, including “they/them/theirs or ze/hir. There may be penalties up to $125,000 for violations, and up to $250,000 for “Intentional or repeated refusal to use an individual’s preferred name, pronoun or title,” e.g., “repeatedly calling a transgender woman “him” or “mr.” after she has made clear which pronouns and title she uses.”

Melissa Snerd, Mayor Bill de Blasio’s Assistant Director of Clarifications and Prevarications explained that novel provisions are not really examples of administrative “legislation, as some complain, but simply guides to getting fined.”

May has buzzed with persistent rumors about a select task force of legal, ethicistical, androgynical and surgical experts working in sub-basement room 07 at 430 South Capitol St. SE Washington, D.C. to identify various procedures for adapting William Jefferson Clinton to the role of First Lady of the United States (FLOTUS). It is said that the subject of the study adamantly prefers gender self-identification to surgery.

On May 25, the entire student body, custodial crew, Inclusivity Enforcement Staff (IES), Diversity Conformity Constabulary (DCC) and Correctional Counseling Corps (CCC) at the University of Maine at Beans Corner (UMBC) gathered to mourn the sudden death of one of America’s leading neo-postmod cultural/gender theoreticians. Professor Tammy Garnichts was found dead in her office, sitting rigidly at her desk with eyes glazed like a Ming vase. She had evidently been working on the third volume of her work on gender transformation.

The last, fragmentary, sentence of her long and distinguished career was found on the computer screen: “The gendered exploitation of roosters used in cockfighting exemplifies the social construction of gender via animals, enacting a psychosocial process whose deconstruction leads us toward a truly inclusive eco/feminist psychology centered on negotiating acceptance of situated human animality in the context of understanding of traumatic gender alienation as a factor in both personal and communal problems through the emerging insights of sustainable trans-species psychological phenomena, which have profoundly impactful implications for class-based climate change denialism analysis…”

The Dead River County Coroner’s Office autopsy report concluded that Professor Garnichts bored herself to death.

The UMBC campus was rent with controversy in the midst of the its mourning when a tall person with a deep voice was found in the Woman’s Soccer Team dressing room with a leer and full-blooded erection. Deputies from the Dead Rive County Sheriff’s Department, arrested Clarence “Gunner” Thomas, who seems to have wandered onto campus while on an illegal moose hunt.

Charges arising from Thomas’s violation of Maine’s game laws present no problem, but the alleged suspect’s claim that he felt he was a lesbian trapped in a man’s body has driven the UMBC gender theorists and various Culture Studies departments into a frenzy of controversy.

May brings the promise of relief to New York City’s downtrodden. Under the bills Mayor Bill de Blasio will soon sign, peeing in the street, loitering, littering, drinking alcohol out of a bagged bottle and other quality of life crimes are to be decriminalized in New York City. Under these new laws, citizens and visitors will soon be able to urinate on the steps of Gracie Mansion, City Hall, the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the New York Times offices for as little as $75.

Apart from alleviating physical suffering, these provisions will ease the burden on the court system and allow it to devote more attention to businessmen, managers, property owners, landlords and other scum who violate the new gender-identification guidelines.

Some Trumpians believe that the real purpose is to encourage Mexicans, Muslims and members of the media to urinate on Trump Tower, but this seems a little farfetched.

About John Frary

John Frary

Professor John Frary of Farmington, Maine is a former US Congress candidate, retired history professor, a Board Member of Maine Taxpayers United and publisher of He can be reached at